Stages of Maturity

Teenagers frequently ask when the real marrying age is. I would always answer, "It depends." Getting married is not determined by numbers. It's not a race, and would never be a contest. It can't be measured, but can be determined. How? Maturity. It also doesn't follow that if a person is of legal age, s/he is already mature. Emotional maturity develops at a different rate than that of physical. Here are some of the stages of maturity that you might be in right now. You might have skipped one or two, or you could have experienced all of them. Who knows? You might have been going in circles.You might also consider evaluating your current stage where you are sinking, and eventually pull yourself up and jump to a better stage. *Please note that the list is made regardless of age and is written in no particular order. :)  

The Fairy Tale Stage This stage includes girls who usually find boys ideal because of mere looks. This is comparable with the admiration we feel when we're fangirling. That shallow. It's just that, the fairy tale stage fools girls that they are already in love. This is brought by a couple of reasons: First, there is no point of comparison except fairy tales where girl meets boy, boy is charming, in an instant they got married, then lived happily ever after. Girls need to understand the real game. That is why the concept of not marrying a guy you just met in the critically-acclaimed animated film Frozen marks a good start for little girls adopting reality about relationships. Second, the concept of a good partner is not yet introduced to girls aside from the usual things they observe from the men they know. This is why a good father figure is very much needed in a family; much more needed by daughters because they become the standards of who is worth considering. The lower the standards fathers project, the lamer the guys, their daughter dates. Their dates may reflect similarities of the father's personality or the lack thereof. Third, girls are too young to see the big picture that whatever they feel should end in a commitment and not just a relationship. Most likely, they are yet to understand what commitment is. Not surprising because even adults find it difficult understanding such concept. Sadly, there are girls who remain in this stage simply because they do not observe what happens around them. They fail to see that there is more in a man than charms.  

The Need-to-Belong Stage When girls started to focus on socializing, their need to find a particular environment where they belong becomes a necessity. It becomes so important for them to know that they are not very much different from the rest. It gives them the assurance that they are normal and that they meet a particular societal standard of who they have to be. Here come stereotypes. Girls begin to see stereotyping as basis of 'shoulds.' Later, they would see that they 'should' be in a relationship, without understanding why. This is when they start to doubt if they are normal when they remain single while others start early in relationships. Then they begin to doubt if they are attractive. Thus, producing a lot of insecurities. In order to solve these insecurities, some resort to doing what everybody else does. There came peer pressure. So they get a boyfriend because of stereotypes, insecurities and peer pressure. Good? Nah.  

The Independent-Dependent Stage When girls finally gathered enough confidence to go on their own, they start filling their world with concepts of independence from a lot of things, even from their parents who can actually guide them through in the critical stage of knowing more about oneself. Not having anyone else but yourself then becomes a struggle through loneliness that girls begin searching for someone who can fill the space that they created in the first place. So you got a boyfriend, this time, for you not to be lonely. Wrong move. Why? When you engage in a relationship to solve loneliness, gradually, you would start to cling and make your partner the centerpiece of your life. You need to be happy with the independence that singlehood provides even before you understand the real happiness that a commitment brings.  

The Adventurous/Rebellious Stage This stage focuses on the curiosity that girls try to satisfy. They become so curious on a lot of things that they 'experiment' even in relationship. It was like testing water in different barrels. So you got a boyfriend because you want to know how it feels like having one? Or how it is being a particular guy's girl? And another guy's girl? And another? And another? Or being the third wheel? Or without strings attached? The questions eventually lead to the things that girls are taught not to try. And some followed while others tried. Sometimes, not only because of curiosity, but to deliberately piss their parents who said "don't." This stage brings poor choices of partners because the goal is to satisfy the negative emotions that dominate a person. Also, when relationships are built on curiosity, it eventually ends when all things are already discovered. The 

Learn-about-Yourself Stage It is either through previous mistakes or observation of others that helps us learn more about ourselves. Most of the time, girls fail to grow up in relationships because they look into the mirror too often and they look into themselves less. Learning who you are is a task that needs a lot of time and effort. Why? Because everyone grows using a patchwork personality, our initial self, built on the patches of other people's personality woven together, then we own in the process. People who don't exert effort in reflecting and letting go of their patchwork self will never find who they really are. Personally, it took me until early twenties before I finally let go of that. Until now, I'm still trying to find the pieces of the real me that are missing. Girls who get acquainted with themselves, even not fully, would start a relationship right. Why? Because they already have an idea on what they want and what they are willing to keep. Not based on others' preferences, but theirs.

 The Broken Stage And so the baptism of fire. No observation nor studies would prepare you for the pain of being broken. You may read a lot about them, but nothing can possibly help you out of it except yourself. You just need to understand and accept that this stage happens and this too shall pass. It isn't easy. You might get depressed in the process. You might think of giving up on love. You might hate and wrinkle yourself all your life. You might generalize that men are all alike. You might consider being a man, since you find yourself a better lover than any that you knew. You might choose the safe zone and never risk again. You might decide on a lot of possibilities, but what matters is how you would pick your pieces and heal. So you got somebody to help you heal? Bad move. There isn't anyone who can help you heal but yourself. Key is acceptance. If you find the solution from somebody else, you would end up going back to the dependent stage. The relationship that you 'used' as solution will eventually perish because of the emotional baggage that you bring with you. Learn to let go so that you can give way for better things to hold onto.  

The Need-to-Marry-Bear-Children Stage Women who rush things because of a lot of justifiable and practical reasons end up picking the wrong choices. We don't marry just to bear children. We are not animals that need to breed offsprings. We are people. We feel. We seek happiness. So we shouldn't rush. Take your time. Embrace it. Enjoy whatever life offers. Readiness will come when you least expect it. When it does meet you, fulfillment would follow.  

The Stage to Finally Marry When girls finally learned that

• love stories do not end in happily-ever-after, but in fact, starts;
• you need to let go of the stage of trying to belong because we are supposed to be unique and great in our own right;
• a relationship is not a solution to any problem, nor a way to fix yourself;
• you need to find yourself before finding somebody you can be happy with;
• pain comes with love; they're inseparable, so if you can't risk yourself on both, don't dare;
• weddings mark the start, not only of a relationship, but a commitment;
• happiness was never a race, so take your time and enjoy; let yourself grow;

Because the best fruits savored are those that naturally ripen. There are things that we simply can't rush, even in a digital and instant world.

The Deathbed of Bayanihan

One of the most notable traits of Filipinos is our culture of Bayanihan. Coming from the root word "bayan" which means country, and "bayani" which means hero, Bayanihan is indeed a source of Pinoy pride. That's what I learned in my elementary Civics and Culture subject. And just as how the bahay-kubo (nipa hut) that is transferred from one barangay to another became almost obsolete, so is Bayanihan. When I was a kid, whenever I was asked to picture Bayanihan in my mind, I would always think of the nipa hut with all the people struggling to transfer it to another barangay. And until now, books of my daughter would have the same concept. Honestly, who transfers nipa huts in cities? Even provinces mostly have concrete houses now. Anyway, Bayanihan would always include a house in the picture. A modernized version will be people building houses for the homeless. Most of the time, there would be celebrities or political figures holding construction materials for their publicity pictures. There are those that really show sincere heroic deeds that fit the definition, but they are so rare that we only see them during "great hopelessness" and "utter despair." According to pinoy.md, this is how Bayanihan should be defined: That is why we are acquainted with this supposed to be Filipino tradition only and only if lives are lost or will be lost. Our concept of Bayanihan is not transferable. We don't recognize opportunities for this when we're faced with a different scenario. Remember that it is heroism, and the only thing that makes it different is that, it's communal. We find heroism within us during calamities, where people don't ask for anything in exchange of what they can give: time, effort, resources, prayers and all things we are capable of sharing. Also, donations flood when there are people asking for financial help because they are dying, or they are inflicted by an expensively-treated ailment. In general, Filipinos are generous and we can still count on each other in times of emergency, in times of suffering, in times of hopelessness. Sadly, Bayanihan turned out to be a mere occasional Filipino trait. We possess it only when we're at the brink of losing humanity. What breaks the culture of Bayanihan is losing any of it's components: (1) patriotism, (2) love for others and (3) unity On the death bed of Bayanihan, loom the following:

• Sin of omission - when we think of ourselves than stand against what we know is wrong.
• Greed - when we think of ourselves and value only those that benefit us, regardless if they are right or wrong.
• Self-entitlement - when we think of ourselves, our wants---everything that we should work hard for, yet we want to gain them easily.
• Indifference - when we think of ourselves than think for the benefit of the common good.
• Crab Mentality - when we think of ourselves and step on others in order to reach the top.

The list goes on and it falls in just one big problem: we think only of ourselves. When was the time you did something for others without expecting anything in return? Going back to Bayanihan: When was the time you thought of doing something that would benefit the country and not just yourself? Do you even consider the country when you make decisions? This is a wake up call for all people who live cheating even the smallest amount of anything for their favor. This is for the people who forgot their moral responsibility. This for those who lived indifferent of the needs of the society. This is for those who had been selfish. Let me quote Uncle Ben in The Amazing Spider-Man (2012): "If you could do good things for other people, you have a moral obligation to do those things. That's what at stake here. Not choice; responsibility." Our country is perishing because of the people who had been thinking or are still thinking of themselves. It is time that we make a difference. We need not only intelligent citizens, but those whose values will never be swayed; those whose principles would never break; those whose dignity would never be bought; those brave enough to stand for what is right amid all wrongs. Yes, we do have people like that. But since they are usually alone in their feat, they die, they get assassinated, they fall. Because of this, we need Bayanihan- "a collective heroic effort against great hopelessness and utter despair" that our country is now facing. To end my thoughts, allow me to quote another movie, The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008): "Professor Barnhardt: But it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve. This is our moment." THIS IS OUR MOMENT. Let us preserve a Filipino tradition by thinking not only for ourselves, but our country that is bound to go to the dogs if we won't do anything about it. Be a Filipino for the Philippines.