5-10

(based on BennyBunnyBand's song, 5-10)

Under the summer sky and all things fun

your smile is as vibrant as the sun

and your laughter sinks through my heart

with every chuckle, with every sound an art

music that rings the morning good mood swings

and rhythm that beats the repeat of feelings

Under the promises of never saying goodbye

I hold your hand, warmly kiss them every night

And every time I do that, you close your eyes

It's the most beautiful to stare at under the moonlight

Under the rain, I am drowning with you

Near the verge of emotions that I swim through

Every day, every moment, every second of you

Is a shower and surge of dreams coming true

Under the sheets, entangled feet, lips are one

Under the warmth offered by each other's arms

Cozier than a cup of coffee under the midnight sun

And you, my blanket, all wrapped around me till dawn

Under the stars we trace the map of our fate

Wishing in every point comes the heaven's gate

Or at least a door that would open to see your face

Of promises of heavens, among millions of stars lace

It was perfect when we began, and so I thought it wouldn't end,

but it was just a dream, for I am a five and you are a ten.

I have dragged you under a lot of times

Yet still, I can't reach you, and call you mine

Why can't the universe be just kind

And extend my hand to you, so fine

Your perfection sealed my heart's whines

But I am never the one who get beyond the lines

I'm sorry, allow me

That I am for you

Only for you

But you don't deserve me.

Sometimes kisses fly and find their way to you

but most of the time, they miss you as much as I do

Soon, my love, I'll be seeing you.

With love, and kisses, and all of me, to You.

My Man Every Morning

I have always thought that I did so much goodness in this life or maybe in my past life to deserve someone like you. These are my thoughts in every break of day that opens the beauty that I see beside me, cuddling me, trying to get the sheets on his side, with that naughty smile while eyes closed. I have always thought that every time you do that, you are trying to make my day. You knew, as I have told you, that your smile warms every inch of me, leaving my lips with a smile that only you can bring. Imagine every day. That is how much you give me life. Every. Single. Day. But that's just the beginning. I always spend minutes staring at you while you pretend to sleep away the alarm clock that you, yourself set. I always have to pound on the alarm to stop, and you'll bury yourself on my side, holding me close, covering me with the blanket once more. I find it really cute, so I just allow you your simple morning whims. 

I would always run my fingers through your hair. The strands that softly glide through my fingers remind me of how soft you touch me for every good night kiss. As soft as how you kiss my forehead in the moment I made you really proud. As soft as the pressure you place on my hands whenever I feel that all my nerves are letting me down. As soft as your lips that always make me want to kiss you every second till it hurts. Every strand numbers the reason why I'm beside the man who never fails to make my heart skip. You would find the best moment to crack that joke, green or not, and play with my imagination. You have always been witty, and I never saw each pun coming. You were so unpredictable that I deem you make these simple pleasures on the spot. Forgive me if you find me surly at times of stress, but you never gave up on me. After you listen to my woes, a good embrace will definitely do the trick. And I love it when you're pressing yourself to me. Then you'll cap it off with the best pun. You knew I will never be able to resist smiling to a witty remark. And you don't know how that means so much to me. You are my breather in times I need to tell myself that everything will be okay. And you make them okay. So much okay, that I know, I'll make it through everything when I'm with you.

Then my fingers would find their way to your forehead that I enjoy writing my red lipstick on, every time you sleep before I do. And it will always be my morning notes for you. Every time I do that, I make sure that there's a pocket mirror within your reach. You knew when you see one beside you. Even without reading what I wrote, you would say, "I love you."

You are no longer asleep, I know. You simply enjoy that I trace your facial features with my fingertips. Your eyes are even moving behind those closed eyelids. I love touching your eyelids, as if I'm drawing them. I remember how beautiful your eyes are when I look through them. When we play that game of whoever-blinks-first-lose kind of game, I can't help falling into the deep soulful dark brown eyes of yours. They always bear small wrinkles on the sides when you smile. I love those wrinkles. They remind me of all the times that you smile for me, even when I don't smile back. They're contagious and I thank you for keeping me sane with your smile. As much as your eyes look through me, I always find deep-seated emotions as I look deeply into your eyes. They always feel familiar, as if your eyes speak to my heart. Those are the times that you need not talk to me, because I knew, what lies behind your stare are precious feelings that only the two us would understand. 

My two fingers 'walk' along the bridge of your nose and they are so curious on what lies ahead. Tiptoeing fingers made their way towards your lips. These two plumps that would always make me lose my mind. You always make me lose it, when you smile, you pout, you open them with awe, and even with smirks, they are gorgeous. Tracing the lines of your lips is so satisfying for me. I would love to use a lip liner on that soon. Haha! Just kidding. It's like drawing your face with the familiar contours that will never leave my memory. 

Then all these will be capped with my hands pressing your cheeks together and rewarding you the sweetest morning smack I could give. "Good morning," I said. "I love you so much," you responded.

Then it all went black.

I never wanted to wake up, but I did.

See you in my dreams later, my love.

Lunar Halo

Just as Sun left with a charming tip of his hat, I, Moon, greeted him with an elegant curtsy. Again, I am left with the familiar, dark and cold loneliness. Hours of dancing with the light of life is one of the best hours that I spend. Reeling like eternity with the warmth touching my cheeks is like forever that I would embrace. Though this is all that I can do. Dance in the light that he sheds for everyone, close my eyes and dream that they are mine to keep. It was a long time when I got to hold him. To shroud his light and keep it to myself. It’s like everyone coveted that moment and they looked up. Their eyes hurt. I wanted privacy. I wanted him, and I want that moment to last. It was an embrace that I get to keep his light for myself, from them, them who wish him to rise and fall, them who selfishly enjoy his warmth, them who made me just a part of his routine from dusk till dawn. That I rise when he needs to go. I, the lowly substitute of a great ball of fire, wish that his flame would consume me one time. Yes, I exist because of the littlest luminous happiness that he can share. That was unintentional for he wouldn’t even stay with me for more than a few hours. Always, he would leave. Thus, I would always wish for the warmth of Sun. For the embrace of his fire that lit the passion that I hold back. That romance that I share to lovers under my light. The intimacy holds my breath, with envy of lovers who find their souls and lunacy in my somber existence. Forever passed and so my loneliness filled me. That moment I bid him goodbye once more, is a pang I can no longer ignore. I can no longer hold back the crystal sparkles that my eyes desperately pour forth. The crystal sparkles surrounded me, keeping me company in the solitary vacuum that boxed me tonight. This ring. This halo. This silent cry of melancholy. This whimper of desperation. Yes, the people find it alluring. Once more, I would face the awe of people who believe in romance, whose passion and lust engulfed by intimacy of the night, whose arms entwined with lovers searching for their soul in the vast space called life. While I, floating with dreams, filling people with dreams, beautiful in my solitude, in a familiar, dark and cold loneliness called night.

Behind the Scene

That night tore me to who I am now. It may sound an exaggeration to write that it haunted me until today, but even the rustling of the leaves during a breezy dark night reminds me of her words for you---“Never look back.”

I can still picture your shadow while I tucked myself on the side of the church, with a lonely stare and intent to see you once more. I knew that it was so pathetic that I had to see you date someone under the romance of moonlight and pain myself with all the things that I would hear. But that was the only chance that I got to take pleasure from all that I adore in you. That night was not the same night. The tension in the air shrouded everything else more than the fog and the pine trees did. It was a night of goodbyes. For how many months, I’ve been a shadow to all your stories together, a part of the background of the feelings you didn’t name. Those things that you cherish were my memories. They were like pictures of happiness that I was never part of. A photo, I the photographer, could always admire but never take part of the moment. The golden light of the lamppost was not enough to trace the grin that she gave you. The gloom of the moment took over and the bargaining began.

 “We can’t just walk away from each other like normal people,” you told her. Though I couldn’t make out all the words, this was answered by “…it just sounds hard, harsh even, but it’s reality we have right now.” Just as how bluntly she stated those words, you reminded her of her little dream, to travel the world, go places, and live a full life. That struck you more when she said she grew out of that dream that used to have meaning for the two of you. I’ve always dreamed of being with you. I need not go to places, as long as I have you. As long as it’s your hand I’ll hold. As long as it’s you. Had it been me, I’ll spend every day without growing out of the things that I love about us. It’s just that, there is no ‘us.’ My mind would always wander in places where I can touch you, and you don’t know how much I would want that daydream to linger. Then you asked with much disappointment, “Why do you find it so easy to say goodbye?” Precisely. How can she easily say goodbye to you? I’ve been at the background of everything else between the two of you, longing to take her place. Those moments after dark till dawn. And then, when she was set to leave you, it’s quite pitiful that I remain in the background. Would there be anything else more painful than unrequited love even if the other’s already free? I knew that however all these turn out, I would always stay at the losing end.

 “Because of him? Does he compare to me?” “Do you love him?” Losing your self-worth that you began comparing yourself to that guy whom you think took your place. All I can say is that, a man could never be replaced if you’re taking up all the space. There is probably a small part where that guy entered and eventually took even your share. Then out you go. It’s not about being the best, or being better than someone else. Because you need not compete. I love the imperfect you. That makes you human. That makes you real. That made me fall for you. How I wish I could tell you that. How I wish my words would ease the pain. But my thoughts can only do so much. Only the person who caused the pain can ease it. In the end, it was never my role. Then one line from her busted my thoughts of you.

 “I never once said I loved you, did I?” I felt my blood rushed and woke me up to my senses. I could feel my clenched fist struggling to keep my anger towards her. I had to hold myself to stop from trembling. I just thought you don’t deserve those words. After all you’ve shared with her. All. With her. “We had so much between us,” you told her. But I guess the years you’ve been together meant nothing more than the fog that embraced your pain. If only I could hold you. If only I could tell you that even if we having nothing between us, you mean so much to me. So much that it pains me that I see how much she hurts you then. Still, you watched her with eyes searching for words that would cushion the blow—those eyes that bore through her long pause. Your eyes watched her lips, her action, her gaze, her expression, while I watched you lovingly stare at her every move. It was an inch of pain every time I see you look at her that way. It’s more like miles of that since I was resolved to love you despite everything else that would say no. The two of you had hellos, goodnights and see-yous, while I, silence behind the spotlight of your then seemingly endless bliss. Yours was a cycle that excludes my existence, while ours is a dream that has never begun. And never will. When she told you how much that guy is into her, I thought I heard your teeth gritted for a split-second. It may have been my imagination because it was followed by “Nice to know he’s so into you.” I guess that is the only thing you are left to say. Obviously, you don’t have a choice. All your hopes of flipping things to how you want it was no longer possible, just as how ‘us’ had been impossible for years. The only thing that was left is acceptance. Embrace the pain and let it numb you for good. I’ve been doing that for a long time, and I wonder why it still hurts. I’ve already found comfort in the idea of pain, the concept of if-onlys and the illusion of what-ifs. Her goodbye finally pushed you to say the words that would not wait for a next time—precisely because there might be no more of that.

 “I’m not leaving you,” you promised. “At some point, yes you will.” “You won’t leave me.” “At some point, I already have.” And those words foreshadowed the last line that broke you. “Never look back.” My eyes followed your every step towards the lamp light. The end of the street seemed like forever. In every step, I held my breath, waiting for that moment that you would finally let everything go. Tears trickled down my cheeks as I watch you heavily tread the path opposite her direction, the weight of every step crushing the emotions that you try to hold back. As you cut through the distance, your shadow seemed determined to stay behind. My eyes followed your every step towards the lamp light. The end of the street seemed like forever. In every step, I held my breath, waiting for that moment that you would finally let everything go. I’m sorry if I felt selfish suddenly that I wish she would start walking away. Yes, she didn’t move. She stared at you just as I did. Every step, every cringe in pain. Then you looked back. The inevitable struck me. A piercing pain thrusting into my chest made me close my eyes, hoping that they would hold the tears that would drench all that is left of me. It was pain after pain, doubling in every second. I held myself tightly, silently scoffing at the moment of insanity called hope. With eyes shut, I hugged my knees and my world shrank into oblivion. I tried listening if you would say anything that would save me.

 Complete silence.

Without looking at you, I got up and silently rushed where the fog would hide and hold the broken pieces that ache. I almost forgot that I was never even an option. It hurts that you love her so much. It hurts that we have nothing for ‘us.’ It hurts that she’s letting you go just like that. It hurts that despite your loss, I would never exist. It hurts that despite everything, you looked back. On that night, what is left to say is that I’m happy for you and I wish the two of you well. Then I look at the broken pieces of me, hoping I could still fix them. I am done living in the outskirts of your world. I guess it’s time to clear the scene. I was just a part of the fog that fills up the background of your love story, anyway.