That night tore me to who I am now. It may sound an exaggeration to write that it haunted me until today, but even the rustling of the leaves during a breezy dark night reminds me of her words for you---“Never look back.”
I can still picture your shadow while I tucked myself on the side of the church, with a lonely stare and intent to see you once more. I knew that it was so pathetic that I had to see you date someone under the romance of moonlight and pain myself with all the things that I would hear. But that was the only chance that I got to take pleasure from all that I adore in you. That night was not the same night. The tension in the air shrouded everything else more than the fog and the pine trees did. It was a night of goodbyes. For how many months, I’ve been a shadow to all your stories together, a part of the background of the feelings you didn’t name. Those things that you cherish were my memories. They were like pictures of happiness that I was never part of. A photo, I the photographer, could always admire but never take part of the moment. The golden light of the lamppost was not enough to trace the grin that she gave you. The gloom of the moment took over and the bargaining began.
“We can’t just walk away from each other like normal people,” you told her. Though I couldn’t make out all the words, this was answered by “…it just sounds hard, harsh even, but it’s reality we have right now.” Just as how bluntly she stated those words, you reminded her of her little dream, to travel the world, go places, and live a full life. That struck you more when she said she grew out of that dream that used to have meaning for the two of you. I’ve always dreamed of being with you. I need not go to places, as long as I have you. As long as it’s your hand I’ll hold. As long as it’s you. Had it been me, I’ll spend every day without growing out of the things that I love about us. It’s just that, there is no ‘us.’ My mind would always wander in places where I can touch you, and you don’t know how much I would want that daydream to linger. Then you asked with much disappointment, “Why do you find it so easy to say goodbye?” Precisely. How can she easily say goodbye to you? I’ve been at the background of everything else between the two of you, longing to take her place. Those moments after dark till dawn. And then, when she was set to leave you, it’s quite pitiful that I remain in the background. Would there be anything else more painful than unrequited love even if the other’s already free? I knew that however all these turn out, I would always stay at the losing end.
“Because of him? Does he compare to me?” “Do you love him?” Losing your self-worth that you began comparing yourself to that guy whom you think took your place. All I can say is that, a man could never be replaced if you’re taking up all the space. There is probably a small part where that guy entered and eventually took even your share. Then out you go. It’s not about being the best, or being better than someone else. Because you need not compete. I love the imperfect you. That makes you human. That makes you real. That made me fall for you. How I wish I could tell you that. How I wish my words would ease the pain. But my thoughts can only do so much. Only the person who caused the pain can ease it. In the end, it was never my role. Then one line from her busted my thoughts of you.
“I never once said I loved you, did I?” I felt my blood rushed and woke me up to my senses. I could feel my clenched fist struggling to keep my anger towards her. I had to hold myself to stop from trembling. I just thought you don’t deserve those words. After all you’ve shared with her. All. With her. “We had so much between us,” you told her. But I guess the years you’ve been together meant nothing more than the fog that embraced your pain. If only I could hold you. If only I could tell you that even if we having nothing between us, you mean so much to me. So much that it pains me that I see how much she hurts you then. Still, you watched her with eyes searching for words that would cushion the blow—those eyes that bore through her long pause. Your eyes watched her lips, her action, her gaze, her expression, while I watched you lovingly stare at her every move. It was an inch of pain every time I see you look at her that way. It’s more like miles of that since I was resolved to love you despite everything else that would say no. The two of you had hellos, goodnights and see-yous, while I, silence behind the spotlight of your then seemingly endless bliss. Yours was a cycle that excludes my existence, while ours is a dream that has never begun. And never will. When she told you how much that guy is into her, I thought I heard your teeth gritted for a split-second. It may have been my imagination because it was followed by “Nice to know he’s so into you.” I guess that is the only thing you are left to say. Obviously, you don’t have a choice. All your hopes of flipping things to how you want it was no longer possible, just as how ‘us’ had been impossible for years. The only thing that was left is acceptance. Embrace the pain and let it numb you for good. I’ve been doing that for a long time, and I wonder why it still hurts. I’ve already found comfort in the idea of pain, the concept of if-onlys and the illusion of what-ifs. Her goodbye finally pushed you to say the words that would not wait for a next time—precisely because there might be no more of that.
“I’m not leaving you,” you promised. “At some point, yes you will.” “You won’t leave me.” “At some point, I already have.” And those words foreshadowed the last line that broke you. “Never look back.” My eyes followed your every step towards the lamp light. The end of the street seemed like forever. In every step, I held my breath, waiting for that moment that you would finally let everything go. Tears trickled down my cheeks as I watch you heavily tread the path opposite her direction, the weight of every step crushing the emotions that you try to hold back. As you cut through the distance, your shadow seemed determined to stay behind. My eyes followed your every step towards the lamp light. The end of the street seemed like forever. In every step, I held my breath, waiting for that moment that you would finally let everything go. I’m sorry if I felt selfish suddenly that I wish she would start walking away. Yes, she didn’t move. She stared at you just as I did. Every step, every cringe in pain. Then you looked back. The inevitable struck me. A piercing pain thrusting into my chest made me close my eyes, hoping that they would hold the tears that would drench all that is left of me. It was pain after pain, doubling in every second. I held myself tightly, silently scoffing at the moment of insanity called hope. With eyes shut, I hugged my knees and my world shrank into oblivion. I tried listening if you would say anything that would save me.
Complete silence.
Without looking at you, I got up and silently rushed where the fog would hide and hold the broken pieces that ache. I almost forgot that I was never even an option. It hurts that you love her so much. It hurts that we have nothing for ‘us.’ It hurts that she’s letting you go just like that. It hurts that despite your loss, I would never exist. It hurts that despite everything, you looked back. On that night, what is left to say is that I’m happy for you and I wish the two of you well. Then I look at the broken pieces of me, hoping I could still fix them. I am done living in the outskirts of your world. I guess it’s time to clear the scene. I was just a part of the fog that fills up the background of your love story, anyway.
No comments:
Post a Comment