Paalam

Hindi ko alam kung ito na ang huling liham ko sa'yo
Hindi rin sigurado kung bukas ay makakatula pa ako
Hindi mo man malaman ang inaawit ng pusong bigo
Hindi ako matatapos sa piniling pag-ibig sa tulad mo.

Ngunit matatapos ang paghihintay ng kulay sa ating kwento
Tutuldukan na ang huling salita na iginuhit ng alaala ko sa'yo
Dahil ang bawat musikang inialay mo at tayutay na tinula ko
Ay mistulang liham na pinaanod sa alon, nawala, naglaho.

Naiwan na lamang ay mga tilamsik ng alaala at ulan
Sa makulimlim na umaga at hanging sumisilip, dumaraan
Kulimlim na tumataklub sa lahat ng tubig na nag-aabang
Sa paghalik ng liwanag para sa bahagharing mamamaalam

May mga bagay na sapat nang pinapanaginipan na lamang
Dagling iniiwan sa ilalim ng unan, kinukumutan sa higaan
Sa gabi at dilim na lamang muling babalikan at hahalikan
Dahil ang panaginip na lang ang 'di nawawalan ng kailanman.

Bugso

(Halaw sa 43 Sunsets ni Burn Mercado)

Binabasag na naman ng ulan ang larawan ng nakaraan
Basang-basa na ang daan, umaagos ang luha ng kalangitan
Nakikiramay sa damdamin kong binabaha na ng tuluyan
Nilulunod ako sa dalamhating humahati sa aking kaibuturan

Nasaan ka na kaya sa malamig na panahong gaya nito?
Muli mo bang isusuot ang mga medyas na pareho tayo?
Magkukulubong ka pa rin ba ng kumot gaya ng  dating gawi mo?
Oo, makasama kang muli sa ilalim ng kumot ang gusto ko

Binubugbog ng hangin ang bintanang kasing rupok ng puso ko
Na pasa-pasa na sa paasang dinimdim ko para lang manatili sa'yo
Ngunit nangingitim na ang mga markang dapat paghihilumin mo
Kasing dilim ng kulimlim na hindi mahahawi hanggang sa paglayo

Ngayong inaagos na ng tubig ang gamit, buhay at alaalang matatangay nito
Dalangin ko rin na tangayin ng agos ang nalulunod na rin lang na puso
Wala nang sasagip dahil walang lalangoy sa pusali at tubig kanal ng 'tayo'
Ng pagmamahal na tinawag mong 'tayo' pero lagi na lamang tungkol sa 'yo

Nakatunganga pa rin ako sa bintana, sa kawalan ng buhay, sa kawalan
Nakakahon sa pader ng ating mga away, sinemento, pinagtibay, sinaraduhan
Nakalimutan mo mahal, na lagyan ng pintuan bago mo pinapalitadahan
Nang mapagtanto ko, mag-isa ko na lamang inilatag ang ating higaan

Higaang naging saksi sa mga larawan ng saya, galit, lungkot, takot
Lahat ng mayroon tayo, sa gitna ng magdamag sa ilalim ng kumot
Pero di ka nanatili gaya ng pagbaon ng iyong mga daliri sa aking balikat,
nag-iwan ng sugat, ng pilat nang hindi mo maikakailang ako'y naging sapat

'Di mo man lang nilagyan ng bisagra ang pintuan upang kita'y masundan
Hindi man lamang kandado na may susing itinago, hahanapin ko na lamang
Hindi mo hangad na ako'y lumabas ng kwartong nilisan mo ng walang balikan
Gayong ang bugso ng damdamin ko ay hihigit pa sa delubyong dala ng ulan

Sa gitna ng tikatik ng ulang bumibingi, higit pa sa hinagpis ng katahimikan
Sa loob ng tuyong kwarto na binasa na ng luha at natigang sa tawanan
Mga luhang naghihintay ng habangbuhay, ng pagpapahingalay, ng kawalan ng saysay
Habang humahangos ang hangin, hinahabol ang dapit-hapon hanggang bukang-liwayway

Ang kulimlim ay naging dilim at bumalot na muli sa akin
Isang magdamag na naman ng mga panaginip na hindi ka kapiling.

***

If you like the poem, you can listen to it here.

PS

(Halaw sa PS Laarni ng BennyBunnyBand)

Ubos na ang mga tintang tinuyo ng paglisan
Naninilaw na ang mga sobre ng kahapon at walang hanggan
Hindi matatawarang paalam sa lahat ng sinimulan
Nariyan ka pa ba para tanggapin ang basang-basa kong liham?

Tadhana ang sabi nilang magbabalik sa ating panahon
Sa bawat selyong inipon, bawat sobreng nilikom
Hindi pa rin tumatak ang destinasyon ng kahapon
May bukas pa nga ba sa pagtanging pilit mong itinapon?

Hindi mo ba naaalala ang awit ng ating mga puso?
Nagpapaindayog sa iyong balikat, pababa ng iyong pulso
Nagdidikit na mga palad na 'sing init ng pagsuyo
Sa iyong malambot na labi'y humahaplos, pumupuno.

Ngunit ngayo'y ibang ritmo na ang nagpapaindak sa iyo
Tingin ko'y hawig naman sa musikang inialay ko
Ngunit ibang palad pa rin ang pinipisil ng mga kamay mo
at humahaplos sa labing araw-araw ay pangarap ko.

Nag-iisa pa rin ako sa bawat araw na ika'y nakikita
Pumupunit, kumakayas, dumudurog sa aking pag-asa
Tuwing mababakas ko ang ligaya sa iyong magandang mukha
Hindi ko na kayang supilin ang pait ng lahat sa ati'y nawala

Mistula nang lukot na sobre ang puso kong 'di mo nilingon
Na dati'y iyong iniingatan, marahang binabasa buong maghapon
Dati man ay halik ang kalakip ng mga salitang sa aki'y pabaon
Ngayo'y iyo nang dinuraan at sa mukha ko'y dagling itinapon

Dalangin ko na lamang na ang pag-ibig nya'y hindi panandalian
At magpapaagos ng mga luhang hindi ko kailanman natunghayan
Bagkus bumura ng aking ulirat at sumakop sa aking katinuan
Naglulunoy sa tila dagat ng kalungkutang sa aki'y iyong iniwan

Sa tingin mo man ako ay paulit-ulit, pumipihit, nagpapakasakit
Hindi ako hihinto sa siklo ng pagsuyo, hindi man nagpupumilit
Hayaan mo akong mahalin ka, na parang linya ng korong binabalikan
Sa tuwing natatapos ang mga berso na tinuldukan mo na ng tuluyan.

Balang araw, mararating ko rin ang hantungan ng mga nilisan
Magpapahinga ang pusong pagal nang magmahal kahit tinalikuran
Tapos na. Tapos na ba?
Sa iyo, oo. Sa akin, hindi pa.

***

If you like the poem, you can listen to it here. 

Ikaw Na

(Ibang anggulo ng pag-ibig sa Ikaw Na Ang Anghel Bow! ng BennyBunnyBand)

Gusto kong maniwala na makikilala mo rin ako

Sa likod ng mga taong naghihiyawan, umiindak at nagkakagulo

Sa dilim ng gabi na kahit anong pilit ng mata, liwanag ay susuko

Nagtatago ba ako? Oo. Sa 'yo.

Ikaw ang tipo na nabubuhay sa gitna ng entablado

at ako, nakukuntento na nasa harapan at nanonood sa 'yo

pilit tinatanaw ang bawat kilos, indayog na dala ng musika mo

habang ang mga tao ay pader na humaharang sa ating mga mundo

Nakalulunod man ang dami ng taong humihiyaw ng pangalan mo

Sa bawat "mahal kita" na ibinabato maya't maya ng mga tao

Walang tumitinag, kumukurot, nagpapalingon sa iyong pihikang puso

at huwag kang mag-alala, marami mang naghihintay, pero hindi ako

Alam ko naman ang hangganan ng mga taong tulad ng kalibre ko

Hindi naman ako nangangarap mahulog sa taong hindi naman sasalo

Hindi ko lang talaga alam kung bakit nagkakilala pa tayo

Ayan. Nabubuhay ako't namamatay sa magdamag, pagtula tungkol sa'yo.

Hinahagilap ko pa ang lakas ng loob ko na ipunin ang aking mga letra

Pagkumpul-kumpulin at ibato sa 'yo ang mapagmahal kong mga salita

Dalangin ko lang na maaari pa 'kong lumiham lakip ang pag-ibig kong kataga

Dahil wala na akong ibang paraan upang marating ang 'di maabot na tala

Oo, isa kang tala na bumihag sa akin at sa puso kong ayaw nang umasa

Ngunit sa bawat kislap mo, hindi ko maipaliwanag, patuloy akong namamangha

Binibighani ng tinig mo sa bawat musikang iyong likha

Sa ritmong humahaplos sa kaluluwa ko na dala ng iyong musika

Umiikot ang mundo mo na hindi kailanman magtatapon sa akin ng pag-asa

Ngunit hindi iyon sapat upang ako'y durugin at tuluyan nang bumitiw sa paghanga

Pagtatagni-tagniin ko na lamang ang puso ko gamit ang iyong alaala

Saka ko pupunuin ng nag-uumapaw na pagmamahal kong hindi mo makikilala

Matatapos na naman ang magdamag na hindi mo ako binabasa

Ngunit patuloy akong tutula, hanggang sa ang sakit ay tuluyang maubos na

Kahit hindi ko alam kung ang sinasaktang puso ay nagmamahal pa

May magagawa pa ba 'ko? Eh, ikaw na. Ikaw na nga talaga.

***

If you like the poem, you can listen to it here.

Sa Uulitin

sunrise at Mt. Pulag

Sa bawat sulyap
na nagpapatigil ng lahat, maliban sa umiikot at tuliro kong malay

Sa bawat sulyap
na tila pagtikhim sa matagal nang pangarap na paglasap at pagsilay

Heto ka,
nanunukso sa iyong bawat ngiti, sa bawat paggalaw ng iyong labi.

Heto ka,
nagpapakislot ng aking puso sa halakhak mong saglit sa ki'y kumikiliti

Mali nga ba
na sa tuwing ipipikit ko ang aking mga mata ay nakikita ko ang iyong mukha?

Mali nga ba
na bawat musikang naririnig ko, ikaw ang dulo at simula ng mga linya?

Hindi
man sa akin nakatingin ang iyong mga mata, nangungusap ito, tumutula

Hindi
man ako ang binibigkas ng iyong mga letra, ako'y nakikinig at nagpapaubaya

Oo,
sinasayawan ko ang ritmo ng iyong paghinga

Oo,
hindi nga kita kayang abutin kahit dulo man lang ng iyong hibla

Siguro
hindi sapat ang aking pagtula, nilalamay ko man ay hindi mo man lamang binabasa

Siguro
nga mag-isa kong niyayakap ang lamig ng magdamag upang gising na panaginipan ka

Tama nang
ako na lamang ang nagtatahi ng tagpi-tagpi kong pangarap at paghanga

Tama nang
hindi kita kasama sa paglulunoy ko sa sakit ng katotohanang hindi akin ka

Mahal kita
sa paraang natitira sa aking nakatatawa, nakaaawa, nakahahabag na paraan

Mahal kita
sa kabila ng pag-asang tila dinuraan na ng lahat ng hatinggabi't umagang namagitan

Mahal kita
sa bawat sulyap.
Tama nang
mahal kita.

Behind the Scene

That night tore me to who I am now. It may sound an exaggeration to write that it haunted me until today, but even the rustling of the leaves during a breezy dark night reminds me of her words for you---“Never look back.”

I can still picture your shadow while I tucked myself on the side of the church, with a lonely stare and intent to see you once more. I knew that it was so pathetic that I had to see you date someone under the romance of moonlight and pain myself with all the things that I would hear. But that was the only chance that I got to take pleasure from all that I adore in you. That night was not the same night. The tension in the air shrouded everything else more than the fog and the pine trees did. It was a night of goodbyes. For how many months, I’ve been a shadow to all your stories together, a part of the background of the feelings you didn’t name. Those things that you cherish were my memories. They were like pictures of happiness that I was never part of. A photo, I the photographer, could always admire but never take part of the moment. The golden light of the lamppost was not enough to trace the grin that she gave you. The gloom of the moment took over and the bargaining began.

 “We can’t just walk away from each other like normal people,” you told her. Though I couldn’t make out all the words, this was answered by “…it just sounds hard, harsh even, but it’s reality we have right now.” Just as how bluntly she stated those words, you reminded her of her little dream, to travel the world, go places, and live a full life. That struck you more when she said she grew out of that dream that used to have meaning for the two of you. I’ve always dreamed of being with you. I need not go to places, as long as I have you. As long as it’s your hand I’ll hold. As long as it’s you. Had it been me, I’ll spend every day without growing out of the things that I love about us. It’s just that, there is no ‘us.’ My mind would always wander in places where I can touch you, and you don’t know how much I would want that daydream to linger. Then you asked with much disappointment, “Why do you find it so easy to say goodbye?” Precisely. How can she easily say goodbye to you? I’ve been at the background of everything else between the two of you, longing to take her place. Those moments after dark till dawn. And then, when she was set to leave you, it’s quite pitiful that I remain in the background. Would there be anything else more painful than unrequited love even if the other’s already free? I knew that however all these turn out, I would always stay at the losing end.

 “Because of him? Does he compare to me?” “Do you love him?” Losing your self-worth that you began comparing yourself to that guy whom you think took your place. All I can say is that, a man could never be replaced if you’re taking up all the space. There is probably a small part where that guy entered and eventually took even your share. Then out you go. It’s not about being the best, or being better than someone else. Because you need not compete. I love the imperfect you. That makes you human. That makes you real. That made me fall for you. How I wish I could tell you that. How I wish my words would ease the pain. But my thoughts can only do so much. Only the person who caused the pain can ease it. In the end, it was never my role. Then one line from her busted my thoughts of you.

 “I never once said I loved you, did I?” I felt my blood rushed and woke me up to my senses. I could feel my clenched fist struggling to keep my anger towards her. I had to hold myself to stop from trembling. I just thought you don’t deserve those words. After all you’ve shared with her. All. With her. “We had so much between us,” you told her. But I guess the years you’ve been together meant nothing more than the fog that embraced your pain. If only I could hold you. If only I could tell you that even if we having nothing between us, you mean so much to me. So much that it pains me that I see how much she hurts you then. Still, you watched her with eyes searching for words that would cushion the blow—those eyes that bore through her long pause. Your eyes watched her lips, her action, her gaze, her expression, while I watched you lovingly stare at her every move. It was an inch of pain every time I see you look at her that way. It’s more like miles of that since I was resolved to love you despite everything else that would say no. The two of you had hellos, goodnights and see-yous, while I, silence behind the spotlight of your then seemingly endless bliss. Yours was a cycle that excludes my existence, while ours is a dream that has never begun. And never will. When she told you how much that guy is into her, I thought I heard your teeth gritted for a split-second. It may have been my imagination because it was followed by “Nice to know he’s so into you.” I guess that is the only thing you are left to say. Obviously, you don’t have a choice. All your hopes of flipping things to how you want it was no longer possible, just as how ‘us’ had been impossible for years. The only thing that was left is acceptance. Embrace the pain and let it numb you for good. I’ve been doing that for a long time, and I wonder why it still hurts. I’ve already found comfort in the idea of pain, the concept of if-onlys and the illusion of what-ifs. Her goodbye finally pushed you to say the words that would not wait for a next time—precisely because there might be no more of that.

 “I’m not leaving you,” you promised. “At some point, yes you will.” “You won’t leave me.” “At some point, I already have.” And those words foreshadowed the last line that broke you. “Never look back.” My eyes followed your every step towards the lamp light. The end of the street seemed like forever. In every step, I held my breath, waiting for that moment that you would finally let everything go. Tears trickled down my cheeks as I watch you heavily tread the path opposite her direction, the weight of every step crushing the emotions that you try to hold back. As you cut through the distance, your shadow seemed determined to stay behind. My eyes followed your every step towards the lamp light. The end of the street seemed like forever. In every step, I held my breath, waiting for that moment that you would finally let everything go. I’m sorry if I felt selfish suddenly that I wish she would start walking away. Yes, she didn’t move. She stared at you just as I did. Every step, every cringe in pain. Then you looked back. The inevitable struck me. A piercing pain thrusting into my chest made me close my eyes, hoping that they would hold the tears that would drench all that is left of me. It was pain after pain, doubling in every second. I held myself tightly, silently scoffing at the moment of insanity called hope. With eyes shut, I hugged my knees and my world shrank into oblivion. I tried listening if you would say anything that would save me.

 Complete silence.

Without looking at you, I got up and silently rushed where the fog would hide and hold the broken pieces that ache. I almost forgot that I was never even an option. It hurts that you love her so much. It hurts that we have nothing for ‘us.’ It hurts that she’s letting you go just like that. It hurts that despite your loss, I would never exist. It hurts that despite everything, you looked back. On that night, what is left to say is that I’m happy for you and I wish the two of you well. Then I look at the broken pieces of me, hoping I could still fix them. I am done living in the outskirts of your world. I guess it’s time to clear the scene. I was just a part of the fog that fills up the background of your love story, anyway.